‘Dance saved my @ss!’: How Petaluma performance artist Antonia Kao survived cancer during the pandemic

‘Dance saved my @ss!’ says cancer survivor Antonia Kao.|
Lina Hoshino
Lina Hoshino

During the first days of the COVID-19 lockdown two years ago, Antonia Kao faced an impossible dilemma. Kao, then 49, was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months before the pandemic began. Then, two days after her first appointment for radiation treatment, California Gov. Gavin Newsom issued the stay-at-home order for non-essential workers.

"We didn't know much about COVID. I didn't know whether to go to radiation and die from COVID or not go to radiation and die from cancer," she said.

A west Petaluma resident, Kao describes herself as a body-based interdisciplinary artist, improviser, facilitator of movement ritual and homeschool parent. Her Taiwanese given name is Hueilan, or Wise Orchid. She is a daughter of Taiwanese immigrants who moved to the United States in the 1960s.

Kao said her parents went to National Taiwan University, considered the top school in Taiwan. Back then, there were few good graduate schools in Taiwan so they moved to the United States to study. Her father went to Harvard graduate school on a scholarship, and her mother to the University of Rochester, where Kao and her two siblings were born.

“They were part of Taiwan’s ‘brain drain,’” Kao added.

Kao was 4 when the family moved to the west coast where her mother eventually worked as an engineer at Intel, and her father as an entrepreneur. Kao majored in English and women’s studies at Wellesley College and wrote for magazines. Later, she studied film at the University of Southern California graduate school.

“But I got burnt out trying to make it as a filmmaker in LA,” she said, “and my dad insisted that I move back to Northern California to help with his business.”

Here, Kao met Ari Nielsen, and they married. In 2008, when she became pregnant, the couple moved to Petaluma. Over the years, Kao explored different body-based practices. She delved deep into Yoga and traveled to India. She took up Authentic Movement.

“It’s like dance meditation,” she explained. “You move with your eyes closed, letting whatever arises inside you move you. And you have someone to witness as you move.”

Kao learned from Anna Halprin, a legendary Marin County experimental dance performer and choreographer who explored dance as a vehicle to address social issues. When Halprin was diagnosed with cancer, she created a dance ritual for healing, working with AIDS and cancer patients.

Kao also participated in “Action Theater,” an improvisational performance method created by Ruth Zaporah. She collaborated with friends and organized public “happenings” and performance art events and workshops in Petaluma, sometimes with her daughter taking part. Kao said she loves creating work that “leaves an energetic impression but takes no space in the physical world.”

When the stay-at-home order began on March 19, 2020, Kao was beside herself. Although she was troubled by the former president repeatedly calling COVID-19 the “China Virus,” stirring xenophobia and racist attacks across the country, that was not what was most pressing in her mind.

The Centers for Disease Control warned that a weakened immune system could make people more likely to become severely ill from COVID-19. That included people undergoing cancer treatments, and people with diabetes or AIDS, for example. There was no vaccine or medication for COVID-19 at that time.

“Poor Anja," she said of her daughter, who was 11. "She had to watch me crying and talking to different people on the phone all day, trying to decide what to do. We locked down very hard because I was immunocompromised. It was an intense time. I don't think I've ever been in that bad a state in my entire life."

Kao remembers thinking, “I gotta get my act together, whatever it takes. I wanted to scream. There was a period when I drove to Dillon Beach every morning. I was not too loud for the ocean, so I could be as loud as I wanted there.”

Kao also organized a daily listening partnership with different friends, so she had someone to talk to every day.

“We would listen to each other trading off, 10 minutes each," she said.

She also had the urge to do Authentic Movement, so she reached out to her teacher Cassielle Bull. They met for a weekly session in Calistoga, on a concrete slab where a movement studio once stood before the 2019 Kincade fire destroyed it.

“Cassie made a circle out of some burnt-out stumps to create a sacred space for me to move in,” recalls Kao, who found these sessions a lifesaving gift. “It was amazing to be under the sky with hawks flying overhead. I’d close my eyes and express whatever was arising inside of me, whether movements, sound or stillness.”

As vaccines became more widely distributed and the world inched towards normalcy, Kao phased out the movement therapy sessions. However, she wants to continue making improvisation part of her life.

“Dance saved my @ss — and you can use an ‘at symbol’ to replace the letter 'a,'" she joked. “If the performer has mastered being present, it’s like witnessing clouds go by you. And those are magical moments. Improvisational performance may not be for everybody, but I find it so engaging and entertaining,” she said.

Kao’s said her health is good now, and vaccination has opened things up for her family.

“I don’t intend to downplay Omicron,” she said, “but I am less afraid of COVID now that our family is fully vaccinated.”

Today, Kao is grateful for the life she has, and she notices herself appreciating small moments, like her husband’s tender kiss on her head. Despite her ordeal with cancer at such a difficult time, Kao reflects, “A lot of beautiful things came out of the pandemic. A lot of silver linings.”

UPDATED: Please read and follow our commenting policy:
  • This is a family newspaper, please use a kind and respectful tone.
  • No profanity, hate speech or personal attacks. No off-topic remarks.
  • No disinformation about current events.
  • We will remove any comments — or commenters — that do not follow this commenting policy.